Lessons Learned from a Disaster: What I Wished I had Known
My husband and I have been back home for a little over a week now.
After a DEEP clean (we vacuumed and mopped the floors and window sills three times to get rid of all the soot, ash, and dust) and running air filters 24/7 to clear the lingering smoke, things are finally starting to feel normal again.
But now, the real work begins: dealing with insurance and the aftermath.
Here are a few hard-won lessons I'll carry with me into the next "disaster" (though I hope there isn't one).
What’s truly important: During the evacuation, we packed clothes, toiletries, important documents (passports, our wedding album), and photos that weren't digitized. I also grabbed a few handbags that my mom had given me because I would’ve felt more guilty about those items than anything I’ve personally bought. It wasn't much; everything fit neatly in our SUV's trunk. We didn't even take my old 2003 VW Passat. This experience was a stark reminder of how much we accumulate. Do we really need all this stuff? If it were all gone tomorrow, what would we truly miss? (On the left) An article in The Hollywood Reporter by Tara Conniff, about coping after losing her home in the Lahaina fires, resonated deeply (it brought me to tears days after our evacuation):
Document everything! In a worst-case scenario, how do you prove what you owned? Take photos of everything—beds, couches, TVs, the standing desk, jewelry, clothes, shoes, cars. Everything. I always meant to do this, but never got around to it. Even our mandatory evacuation was questioned, but luckily, I had a screenshot of the City of Pasadena's text alert.
Here’s what Tara says:
3. Accept support!
This one was also really hard for me. As a coach, I'm used to supporting others and pride myself on my independence. But when the evacuation order came, I had to call my parents. I'm fortunate they live close enough to be safe, yet far enough from the danger zone. They also had room! Their four-bedroom house meant we had our own space. My mom made us dinner most nights, and even after we returned home, we gratefully accepted her offer to cook for us that first night back. It wasn't always easy—my parents bicker a lot—but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. If we'd lost our home, I wouldn't hesitate to accept help from friends, even a GoFundMe. We're also accepting support from our mortgage lender. Because we're in a disaster zone, they automatically granted us a 90-day forbearance, which is a huge help.
4. Take care of ourselves first, stay inside and let go of unkindness.
The second night of the evacuation, my dad wanted to take us to dinner. We went to a packed Thai restaurant. While circling the parking lot, my husband told my dad and me to go in and get a table. My dad went to "save" an empty spot while I called my husband. A car almost sideswiped me, then sped up, nearly hitting my 76-year-old dad! The driver yelled that he'd been waiting for that spot for 15 minutes. My dad tells him that he didn't know. Inside, the same guy confronted us, accusing us of blocking him. I explained we didn't even know it was his spot, and that I was simply walking into the restaurant. He then proceeded to gaslight us, denying any wrongdoing. A security guard sided with him, and the guy's wife joined in, despite not witnessing the incident. My husband confirmed he saw the guy cut him off and nearly hit us. I was furious. First, the evacuation, then this road rage incident. He might not have intended to hit us, but he drove dangerously close. Why would we lie? We were on foot! The anger consumed me, but the next day, I realized I was letting his actions control me. I had to let it go. I recognized that the fear, uncertainty, and lack of sleep and food contributed to my anger. So, I learned that I have to take care of myself and that we should’ve just stayed home and let my mom cook. In addition to all of this, I’ve also noticed how some friends haven’t reached out, and all I can think is…they don’t know what to say. Tara’s take:
5.
This one was a lesson both my husband and I wish we had known. We’ve both been sick. I don’t know if my sickness is from the smoke, soot and ash, but I believe the hubby got sick after cleaning!
6. Live in the moment!
When I asked my husband what he learned, his response was profound. He wants to remember to live our lives and appreciate what's around us. We'd often talked about trying a Mexican restaurant and visiting the Bunny Museum in Altadena, but never did. Now, they're gone. We're making a conscious effort to do the things we always put off because we realize they won't always be there.
7. I want to say that this one is the most important lesson.
Throughout the ordeal, my husband and I didn't argue or raise our voices. I think it was because of trust. I trusted his decision to evacuate when we did, and I trusted him to protect me. I trusted we'd be safe with my parents. We were kind to each other and to them. We did have a breaking point. After a few days, the stress caught up with us, and we both just cried. I had to reschedule client calls, but everyone was understanding. I needed to take care of myself. The constant anxiety and not being in my own space was overwhelming. We also needed a break from my parents' bickering and the constant news cycle. One day, when the air quality was just as bad at my parents' house, we drove to Huntington and Newport Beach. The clean air and the ocean were incredibly restorative.
8. Here’s a Bonus one from Lahaina Fire survivor, Tara:
I haven’t quite done this yet, but I know that when we were all evacuating, we were checking in with our neighbors, and our neighbors were checking in on us. So, I do think that these neighbors will be our BFF’s - Best Fire Friends.
I’ve also noticed that I also feel closer to the friends who have gone through disasters or some other major traumas and who have reached out. One friend reminded me that fires can be cleansing, and that was a somewhat calming perspective.
As Tara says, "Lean on your community." I love L.A. I love Pasadena and Altadena, and my little neighborhood called, “Bungalow Heaven.” We are in this together.
With Love & Gratitude,
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